TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different put where American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: give Everybody a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he ought to prevent applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the project, replied, "You already know, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from Place, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after getting the making's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends could ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "When you Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting awareness from international buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level can even contain:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort the place my PTSD may have flip-down service."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined Trump Tower Damascus by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Ideas from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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